I had an experience in my dyad placement this week that had me really reflecting on experiences I had as a child as well as on my beliefs as an adult.
One afternoon we were bringing the 1st graders in from recess and a student was crying. Sobbing actually. Something had upset her and at the time I did not know the details of the situation. What I did know though was that this 6 year old girl was sitting on the ground with tears streaming down her face. My cooperating teacher walked up to her and the very first thing she said was that the student needed to stop crying. I instantly felt myself clench and fill with frustration. I could still remember how I felt when I was that little girl.
Let me back up for a moment. I think my cooperating teacher is a good teacher. There are many times in the classroom where I see what she is doing and I think to myself, “I like what I am seeing. I can learn from this.” But with that being said, I have also noticed that in some ways we have very different styles. She is kind and caring towards the students, but she does also have a bit of a harder edge than I personally would have. We are just different people, and that is ok. I am someone who tends to be a bit more emotional and sensitive. I was a child who was easily brought to tears. I still am as an adult. I remember as a child that nothing was more frustrating and felt more dismissive than when I was upset and an adult told me that I needed to stop crying. It made me feel terrible.
I believe that emotions are ok. I believe that we should make children know that their feelings are valid. As a teacher I want my students to feel safe with me and to know that I value them. As a child who is feeling genuine emotions it is hurtful to be told that there is nothing to cry about. It makes you feel unimportant and not cared about. It makes you feel not taken seriously. As adults I know that it is so easy for us to look at these “childish problems” and scoff, but from a child’s point of view these issues are real. They are not petty and simplistic.
Later that same day there was another student who was having nothing less than a full emotional melt down. He was sobbing, lying on the floor, yelling, and making a scene. Though I feel that expressing your emotions are ok, I did not feel that this was appropriate behavior. It is ok to be upset, but not to disrupt the classroom and act out. So this is where I struggle and have questions. How do I find balance as a teacher? I want my students to know that it is ok to cry. I want them to know that I am here to listen to what they have to say. But, at the same time I also want to teach them that we need to learn to manage our emotions. I have found myself filled with questions this week. How much crying is too much? How do I allow students to express their emotions while also teaching them to express them in appropriate ways? How do I make my students feel supported while also not allowing every emotional upheaval to take over the classroom?
The Teacher-To-Be 
I’ve actually been asked twice this last week if men (boys) cry. Once was at my placement, when my dyad partner directed a young man to me to ask if I ever cried. I told him I definitely did and of course he asked when did I cry. I explained that I cried whenever my daughter was sad. This was a simplification, but still true. The other person who asked me, incidentally, was my own daughter. She told me that a boy at school (she is 4, btw) told her that boys do not cry. I told her that it was a lie, plain and simple. I told her that I cried when she was born and that sometimes I cry because she is so amazing and she makes me so proud.
I’ve experienced some crying in the classroom and I would say follow your instincts. You will get to know your children very well and you will eventually be able to identify with a fair degree of certainty whether a child is truly distressed and in need of support or if a child is simply acting out for the purpose of dramatic effect. I have faith that your response to these situations will be appropriate if you trust yourself.
Your post reminded me of a quote from Learning is a Verb by Sherrie Reynolds. Reynolds describes, “It is important to pay attention to children’s emotions and, especially, not to try to talk them out of having them. It is important to honor students’ emotions so that they can learn to make better use of them. That does not mean that they have a license to act on them” (p 35). Acknowledging student’s emotions is very important. It gives student a sense of security and safe place, a place where he or she can be vulnerable without being ridicule for the emotions. However, as you mentioned it is a bit tricky to find the balance. As Veritably Clean mentions, a teacher’s relationship with individual students plays a big role here.
One thing that you might be able to say to children who are crying is this. “It’s ok to be upset and to cry. I’m going to give you a couple minutes to cry and think about you’re emotions. When I come back in a couple minutes we’re going to talk about why you’re upset and how it made you feel so that we can make sure you’re able to participate in our learning during the rest of the day.” And then follow up with the student like you said you would. If the student is making a scene, you could add in that you’ll let them collect their feelings in the hallway.
I just wanted to add and say that I totally see where you are coming from. And there is no hard answer to how you should handle students who act out on their emotions. Students and situations will vary, no two being the same. However, I absolutely agree with Veritable Clean when he says, “You will get to know your children very well and you will eventually be able to identify with a fair degree of certainty whether a child is truly distressed and in need of support or if a child is simply acting out for the purpose of dramatic effect.” I think that knowing your students will be a much bigger help to you than a book or a class (though those are indeed helpful too). I believe that with time, as you gain experience, you will be able to decipher when a child really needs your attention and comfort and when they will be capable of calming themselves down without distracting the rest of the class. I think you will be a very caring and wonderful teacher!
I absolutely loved reading this post. I couldn’t help but agree with everything you wrote. There is a student in my class who can have the full on melt downs and when those happen my teacher will ask her to step outside. I’ve found that she will have my dyad partner, a parent, or another staff member come and calm her down. I think that this is great for being able to continue teaching the rest of the students and if you have the extra help. What happens though when that help isn’t there and it really is just you and the students? It’s such a difficult situation to be 100% prepared for because each time it could be different and we just have to be able to figure out the best solution for each case it when they happen.